חברון היהודית רובוט

April 23, 2009 at 8:26 pm (Giant Robots) (Awesome, Giant Robot, Hebrew, Hebron)

Several years ago I was reading my Bible when I stumbled upon something quite interesting.  In 1 Chronicles 12 verse 23 it talks about the number of troops David brought to Hebron for war. 

It later goes on to talk about things and stuff.

So I decided that I should go to college and get a degree in Hebrew.  So I enrolled at the University of Southern Connecticut (USC) and got my Masters. 

I then read through the story of the battle of Hebron in Hebrew.

In verse 28 it clearly states, in Hebrew פלדה ענק (which means Steel Giant) going even further to call this “Steel Giant” חברון היהודית רובוט (which literally translates into English as Hebron the Jewish Robot).

Now, I was just as surprised as you when I learned in my 7th year Hebrew class that there was actually a word in Hebrew for “Robot.”  But I assure you this is no joke.  King David definitely had a 100 foot tall Robot under his command, much like the Japanese have Big O.

Hebron the Jewish Robot is a force to be reckoned with.  He has a menorah flame thrower and jet boots.  Here’s a picture I drew of him after years and years of research.

An Artist Rendering of Hebron in All His Kick Assness

Hebron the Jewish robot is the reason that the city of Hebron has stood for so long.  in 1929 the instruction manual for Hebron was lost, and no one could remember they put it or how to turn the giant robot on.

The Arabs in the area around Hebron seized the opportunity and over a period of three days massacred 67 Jews forcing the other 733 Jews living in Hebron to move to Jerusalem.

The Palestinians ruled over Hebron for the next 38 years until the Jewish Robot’s instruction manual was rediscovered in Egypt, and with it, the key to awakening his awesome power.

Sing This To Make Hebron The Jewish Robot Go!

“It is time to kick ass.” Hebron said as he started the 1967 Six-Day War.

For six days Hebron (the Jewish Robot)  ravaged Hebron (the city) until control of the city returned to the Jewish people he loved and protected.

For six days Hebron burnt crap and exploded heads until the seventh day, on which he rested.

The city of Hebron was safe again, but Hebron the Jewish Robot had seen his last battle in Hebron.

His final words were as follows:

“הו נהדר אומה של ישראל, אתה לא צריך לדאוג, יש חברון היהודית רובוטים בתוך כל אחד מאיתנו. בלב של כל יהודי יש מאה רגל אש נשימה רובוט כי לדוך כל כך מתנגדים לו. אז לא לבכות בשבילי ישראל אומה, לבכות על אויבים, הם לא עומדים אחד סיכוי נגדך. אני עוזב אותך, אבל לא כי אני שונא אותך.אני עוזב אותך, אבל לא כי אני שונא אותך. אני עוזב משום שאין עבודה הפתיחה ביפן כי יש לשלם מעט יותר, של ארבע מאות ואחד קיי , ו לשלם חופשה. יפן תמיד צריך את ענק-בעיטה בתחת–לחימה רובוטים, אבל חברון, אתה רק צריך אחד את השני, ואת אלוהים גדול, כי אתה משרת, כי בואו נהיה כנים כאן, הוא סוג של המתוק ענק האש-נושם-בעיטה התחת-פעולה-נלחמים כל רובוט … אלא, מינוס הרובוט הזה. אבל את ישראל, אתה לא צריך רובוטים בכל מקרה, יש לך חמיטה הכובע! “

Which translates roughly into:

“Oh great nation of Israel, you needn’t worry, there is a Hebron the Jewish Robot inside of all of us.  In the chest of every Jew beats the heart of a 100 foot tall fire breathing robot that crushes all whom oppose him.”

“So do not cry for me nation of Israel, instead cry for your enemies, for they are small and weak, and you are 100 foot tall fire breathing robots.”

“I am leaving you, but not because I hate you.  I am leaving because there is a job opening in Japan that has slightly better pay, a 401k, and payed vacation.”

“Japan will always need their giant-kick-ass-fighting robots, but you Hebron, you only need each other, and the great God that you serve, Because let’s be honest here, he’s kind of the sweetest giant-fire-breathing-kick-ass-action-fighting robot every… except, minus the robot thing.  But you Israel, you don’t need robots anyway, you have yamikas!”

And with that, he left forever.

The End.