Cobbler
Cobbler is delicious, this I need not tell you. In fact there was a time when I would eat my body weight in cobbler
DAILY
No let me change the topic for a second.
I worked at a summer camp last summer and, the people running the camp decided it would be a nice gesture to let each employee have one week off to recharge. During my one week off of camp, I went home. However my parents were kinda jerks and took off with my brother to Germany so I had to stay home with my Grandmother whom had been staying with us at the time. Now time to change the subject again (I might pull this back together in the end…
or not).
Now, to explain a little bit about myself, I have two Grandmothers, however, when staying at my house they are not known by their last names!
No, in fact, they are known as Cookie Grandma and Cobbler Grandma. Needless to say I have trouble keeping weight off when they are around!
So coming back a little bit to the point, the Grandmother staying with me during my week off was Cobbler Grandma (If you couldn’t figure it out from the title of this post) and much cobbler was devoured.
Leaving the point again, I went back to camp the next Sunday and started noticing that I was feeling a little weird, and my fecal matter was discolored a deep black, much like a ninja’s mask. I told my boss, and went to the health center.
I’m going to leave that point for a little side note here, when your poo is black it usually means there is blood in your stool, so in short, I THOUGHT I WAS DYING!
Back up a paragraph, at the health center they were concerned for the same reason I was and shipped me into town for some tests, thank God they came back negative. (I don’t think the kids would be too happy if their counsellor had to peace out because his colon was Freddy Kruegerized). I went back to the health clinic and, the doctor told me that he was glad the results came back that way but was still baffled as to why my doodoo looked like I drank all the food coloring. Then the light upstairs started to come on. The doctor asked me if I had eaten any blue berries recently, and if you go back to the top of this post and insert blue berry in front of ever cobbler I have written thus far, it would be easy to realize, yes, I ate a plethora of blue berries. I ate so many blue berries, the price of blue berries went up six dollars…
A Berry!
So of course I told the doctor, “why yes, I have consumed unparalleled amounts of blue berries over the past seven days.”
And he said, “this kind of surprised me, but I was reading just recently, blue berries are one of the highest sources of iron on the planet.”
That’s about when it clicked…
I knew that, but of course, iron in the stool means hemoglobin, which means blood, which means internal bleeding, which means DEATH!
How could on little blue fruit be so evil…
Fat People Hunger
So if you don’t know me I’m 6’3″ and I weigh a staggering 250 pounds or, if you are still stuck in the medieval times of the metric system (yhea I’m looking at you Canada) that would equate to about 190 cm and 114 kg. The point here is I am a large man, and there are still those of you out there that would like to believe that I don’t need a deep fried elephant with a side of baby beluga in order to sustain a heart beat.
Well let me tell you something! I am currently in my senior year at Northern Michigan University, finishing up a Sports Science Degree. In doing such I have had many opportunities to calculate my daily caloric needs. More often than not it ends up around 6000 kcals per day.
For you people not knowing what that means it’s about a deep fried elephant with a side of baby beluga at EVERY MEAL(Breaded Walrus works as a good substitute for the Beluga but, it should be chilled over night and served with ranch dressing and pepper jack cheese). In any case, it goes without saying that I get a little hot under the collar when some punk high school kid tells me I can only have one corn dog because that’s what they are allowed to serve to that 45 pound Jr. high girl, at that table, over there! I COULD FRIGGN’ EAT THREE OF THOSE JR. HIGH KIDS AND STILL NOT BE SATIATED! GRAB A SNICKERS? SCREW OFF! GET ME A FIRE TRUCK FULL OF CHOCOLATE MILK! I don’t care how much you are allowed to give the actual kids at this camp, I’m not a camper, I’m your boss! I require 8 corn dogs and 6 pizza sticks, and no, I’m not going to pick one or the other or, come back for seconds! WHY!?!?! I can finish one corn dog before I get back to the table! This is America, home of the Big Mac, not the “Reasonable Portion Mac”, or the “I May Need Another Mac”, The Big Frign’ Mac, and even though I hate those things, McDonald’s was on the right track when they named that heart atack on rye.
Just like Godzilla and Texas, BIGGER IS BETTER. Oh, and one more thing, I would much rather eat one of those disgusting Big Macs than that friggn’ Kentucky Brown crap! UGGHH! Why would someone ever take all the left overs from the last month, mix them together and name them after a very private part of my day. I’m done with camp food! Forever!
