We Canoe It!
No We Cannot.
Turns out we suck at canoeing.
We may or may not have tipped the canoe once.
And by we, I mean I. And by once, I mean on multiple occasions.
The thing is, we almost died…
Well not really, but kind of… on the inside…
I don’t really know who thought up swimming, but they must have been smoking something.
Let’s review: Swimming is an aerobic exercise which is performed in an oxygen depleted environment. Pretty awesome Idea!
Anyway, we found pirate treasure, discovered the world is flat, and found the Loch Ness Monster.
All on a canoe trip.
Here’s the DL:
So we set out at teal lake, and canoed to the other side. Upon reaching said other side, we found the pirate treasure. Also, there were pirates.
We ran, and then swam, and then canoed, and then one of the boats got hit by a cannon ball so we all got in the other canoe.
“Oh crap,” I said, “That canoe was a rental, we need to retrieve it from the depths of the abyss.”
So Jason and I grabbed our snorkels and dove down 20,000 leagues under the lake and fetched the canoe. About 549 leagues later, I got a txt.
It was Nessy.
Our conversation read as follows…
Yo wat up nigga!
Nessy? How did you get this number?
Bigfoot gave it to me
I gotta stop giving my digits out to mythical creatures
Probably… Cause, I’m gonna eat ya
Cool Cool
It was that moment in time that I realized that a Loch Ness Monster was chasing me
We surfaced
But there was just one thing that was bugging me
I pulled out my phone and txt’d Nessy back
What are you doing in teal lake?
I needed a vacation f**kn Scots and their f**kn bag pipes!
The solution was clear, we needed to kill Nessy
Luckily I brought along my pocket sword and was able to stab Nessy in the heart, because it is a well know fact that Loch Ness Monster anatomy is exactly like human anatomy. And since the only way to kill a human being is with a sword through the heart, the only way to kill a Loch Ness Monster is with a sword through the heart.
It’s one of those if A + B = C then C + B = D things.
I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
Anyway Nessy died, and the pirates were still chasing us. So we started swimming pulling the sinking cones behind us.
Luckily, the edge of the world was 10 feet away so we faked the pirates out and made them fall off the edge of the world.
That’s how pirates ended up on Mars.
Eventually we made it home.
The End.
Fatal Beatings
So hate week continues, and the hurt I will bestow on my beaver like friend will be unimaginable.
Let the fatal beating begin.
At this point in time some of you might be wondering “he has a friend that looks like a beaver?”
Well sorta.
He’s got some big teeth like one and he definitely eats wood like one, but the thing that makes him most like a beaver is the fact that he has the capacity to wreak a home like one.
Yes I know some of you haven’t realized that a house is just a bunch of pissed of trees nailed to each other, but, I assure you, that’s how you build a house. And yes, a beaver is just a really large termite with a flat tail for clubbing baby seals or, the shameful portion of a platypus. The point here is: Not Cool.
That is point number one in my ten point proposal for TRYING HARDER, or…
at all?
Point number two is don’t be a beaver, because they are vegetarians, like him, and don’t eat meat or wrestle grizzly bears. In all seriousness though, I would like to know who is going to watch Fight Club with me while gnawing on the inner thigh of a freshly stalked and successfully trapped antelope?
Not Him!
The only stalk he wants is part of a celery which explains why crap moves so smoothly out his mouth…
Celery has an extremely high fiber content…
Point number 3 is stop feeding me crap: it leaves a bad after taste (that one has a subtitle). Also, your crap has no protein in it, because you eat plants!
Point number four is, there aren’t any more points…
So in summary:
1. Not Cool!
2. Don’t Be a Beaver.
3. Stop Feeding Me Crap: It Has a Bad After Taste.
4. There Are No Other Points.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
I hope everyone can take something away from this ten point plan for academic excellence!
Hormones!?!?
At some point in time all of us experience a moment of insanity caused by these things called hormones. Now I’m sure you all have heard of the hormones and by now can figure out that testosterone, king of the hormones, is truly a great hormone.
Testosterone is like a shot of liquid hot magma that lets you lift heavy crap above your head…
And fight stuff…
With your huge arms
Which you can refer to as guns thanks to testosterone.
Yes testosterone is most certainly the glue of the cosmos. However, some people in my inner circle like to be total buz kills while I’m body slamming great white sharks and arm wrestling grizzly bears on top of Mt. Fuji during a volcanic eruption in the middle of an earthquake during a typhoon (cause hurricanes go backwards in japan!) by spiking my testosterone cocktail with this crap called estrogen.
The thing is, estrogen is something you produce when you hug trees and watch care bears (NOT Grizzly bears… which I arm wrestle). Estrogen is like that friend nobody likes so it didn’t get invited to the party, but some how it always finds out and shows up.
All I ever hear any more is, aww…, cute…, adorable… I’m sick of it! All I want to do is chew razor blades and eat live animals with my bear hands! (won those from the arm wrestle!) I can’t do that while my friends are endlessly depressed about someone of the female persuasion, who has some how overcome the steel like wall which is testosterone, and force my good meat eating friends in to a vegetarian, tree hugging, care bear watching, rust hatting comma!
All I have to say is BACK OFF! I don’t care how fast you can flash fry a cow woman, give my friends back their sanity so we can go back to throwing heavy crap off of roofs at each other and wrestling rhinos!
