Can I buy you dinner?

(This is also effective when used on Ethiopians)

But seriously look at this thing

This is an Echidna

This is where the stupid starts:

Sega, the gaming company, insists that the thing pictured above really looks like the thing pictured below

This is also an Echidna

So we have one variant that looks like a Hedgehog Platypus Anteater, and a second that looks like a Rastafarian Sneakered Punch-Out King.

In summation, what we have here is a failure, to communi…. um…

excuse me…

Cool Hand Luke Fever

Kind of a big deal

[now on track]

In summation, what we have here is a classic case of the chicken and the egg.

Who came first?

Was it the Duck-Billed Aardvark?

Or was it the Mike Tyson/Bob Marley offspring?

In all honesty, science has its limitations, thusly, we may never actually  know what the Echidna truly looks like

In fact, scientist may never actually see one, (recent census studies suggest that approximately 0% of the U.S. population is composed of Echidnas) which could hinder an further speculation on the subject

Even though, I, in my infinate wisdom and knowledge, am unable to tell you, the reader, what an Echidna truly looks like (or if they even exist (they do)) I can, with much certainty, tell you which would win in a fight

The thistle mouse…

Obviously….

This is due largely to the fact that the spiky little dickens can fly!

Also, he can create matter

And probably breathe fire from his schnoz

Did you know that?

I did…

or at least I do now…

I read it here so it must be true!

Turns out we suck at canoeing.

 We may or may not have tipped the canoe once.

And by we, I mean I.  And by once, I mean on multiple occasions.

The thing is, we almost died…

Well not really, but kind of… on the inside…

I don’t really know who thought up swimming, but they must have been smoking something.

Let’s review:  Swimming is an aerobic exercise which is performed in an oxygen depleted environment.  Pretty awesome Idea!

Anyway, we found pirate treasure, discovered the world is flat, and found the Loch Ness Monster.

All on a canoe trip.

Here’s the DL:

So we set out at teal lake, and canoed to the other side.  Upon reaching said other side, we found the pirate treasure.  Also, there were pirates.

We ran, and then swam, and then canoed, and then one of the boats got hit by a cannon ball so we all got in the other canoe.

“Oh crap,” I said, “That canoe was a rental, we need to retrieve it from the depths of the abyss.”

So Jason and I grabbed our snorkels and dove down 20,000 leagues under the lake and fetched the canoe.  About 549 leagues later, I got a txt.

It was Nessy.

Our conversation read as follows…

Yo wat up nigga!

Nessy? How did you get this number?

Bigfoot gave it to me

I gotta stop giving my digits out to mythical creatures

Probably… Cause, I’m gonna eat ya

Cool Cool

It was that moment in time that I realized that a Loch Ness Monster was chasing me

We surfaced

But there was just one thing that was bugging me

I pulled out my phone and txt’d Nessy back

What are you doing in teal lake?

I needed a vacation f**kn Scots and their f**kn bag pipes!

The solution was clear, we needed to kill Nessy

Luckily I brought along my pocket sword and was able to stab Nessy in the heart, because it is a well know fact that Loch Ness Monster anatomy is exactly like human anatomy.  And since the only way to kill a human being is with a sword through the heart, the only way to kill a Loch Ness Monster is with a sword through the heart.

It’s one of those if A + B = C then C + B = D things.

I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Anyway Nessy died, and the pirates were still chasing us.  So we started swimming pulling the sinking cones behind us.

Luckily, the edge of the world was 10 feet away so we faked the pirates out and made them fall off the edge of the world.

That’s how pirates ended up on Mars.

Eventually we made it home.

The End.

It later goes on to talk about things and stuff.

So I decided that I should go to college and get a degree in Hebrew.  So I enrolled at the University of Southern Connecticut (USC) and got my Masters. 

I then read through the story of the battle of Hebron in Hebrew.

In verse 28 it clearly states, in Hebrew פלדה ענק (which means Steel Giant) going even further to call this “Steel Giant” חברון היהודית רובוט (which literally translates into English as Hebron the Jewish Robot).

Now, I was just as surprised as you when I learned in my 7th year Hebrew class that there was actually a word in Hebrew for “Robot.”  But I assure you this is no joke.  King David definitely had a 100 foot tall Robot under his command, much like the Japanese have Big O.

Hebron the Jewish Robot is a force to be reckoned with.  He has a menorah flame thrower and jet boots.  Here’s a picture I drew of him after years and years of research.

An Artist Rendering of Hebron in All His Kick Assness

Hebron the Jewish robot is the reason that the city of Hebron has stood for so long.  in 1929 the instruction manual for Hebron was lost, and no one could remember they put it or how to turn the giant robot on.

The Arabs in the area around Hebron seized the opportunity and over a period of three days massacred 67 Jews forcing the other 733 Jews living in Hebron to move to Jerusalem.

The Palestinians ruled over Hebron for the next 38 years until the Jewish Robot’s instruction manual was rediscovered in Egypt, and with it, the key to awakening his awesome power.

Sing This To Make Hebron The Jewish Robot Go!

“It is time to kick ass.” Hebron said as he started the 1967 Six-Day War.

For six days Hebron (the Jewish Robot)  ravaged Hebron (the city) until control of the city returned to the Jewish people he loved and protected.

For six days Hebron burnt crap and exploded heads until the seventh day, on which he rested.

The city of Hebron was safe again, but Hebron the Jewish Robot had seen his last battle in Hebron.

His final words were as follows:

“הו נהדר אומה של ישראל, אתה לא צריך לדאוג, יש חברון היהודית רובוטים בתוך כל אחד מאיתנו. בלב של כל יהודי יש מאה רגל אש נשימה רובוט כי לדוך כל כך מתנגדים לו. אז לא לבכות בשבילי ישראל אומה, לבכות על אויבים, הם לא עומדים אחד סיכוי נגדך. אני עוזב אותך, אבל לא כי אני שונא אותך.אני עוזב אותך, אבל לא כי אני שונא אותך. אני עוזב משום שאין עבודה הפתיחה ביפן כי יש לשלם מעט יותר, של ארבע מאות ואחד קיי , ו לשלם חופשה. יפן תמיד צריך את ענק-בעיטה בתחת–לחימה רובוטים, אבל חברון, אתה רק צריך אחד את השני, ואת אלוהים גדול, כי אתה משרת, כי בואו נהיה כנים כאן, הוא סוג של המתוק ענק האש-נושם-בעיטה התחת-פעולה-נלחמים כל רובוט … אלא, מינוס הרובוט הזה. אבל את ישראל, אתה לא צריך רובוטים בכל מקרה, יש לך חמיטה הכובע! “

Which translates roughly into:

“Oh great nation of Israel, you needn’t worry, there is a Hebron the Jewish Robot inside of all of us.  In the chest of every Jew beats the heart of a 100 foot tall fire breathing robot that crushes all whom oppose him.”

“So do not cry for me nation of Israel, instead cry for your enemies, for they are small and weak, and you are 100 foot tall fire breathing robots.”

“I am leaving you, but not because I hate you.  I am leaving because there is a job opening in Japan that has slightly better pay, a 401k, and payed vacation.”

“Japan will always need their giant-kick-ass-fighting robots, but you Hebron, you only need each other, and the great God that you serve, Because let’s be honest here, he’s kind of the sweetest giant-fire-breathing-kick-ass-action-fighting robot every… except, minus the robot thing.  But you Israel, you don’t need robots anyway, you have yamikas!”

And with that, he left forever.

The End.

It’s the 20th of April, the weather has been gorgeous, I even was able to get a two hour bike ride in on Easter Sunday.

But today sucks.

Want to know why?

Well I don’t know what stupid place you live in, but all you have to do here is look outside.

In ten day’s it will be May, you know, April showers bring May flowers?

April blizzards piss me off, and probably kill May flowers.

Every year…

With out fail…

There is a snow storm in April that just makes all the other snow storms look like Popsicles?

Just once, I would like to have an April where I can sleep outside in my hamockand not have to worry about waking up with hypothermia.

Just once, I would like to be able to have an April with out a snow day.

I don’t know what we did God, but seriously!?!?!

I would rather have a plague of lotus…

Or locust, I can’t remember which one was the good one…

It’s not like we have any craps to devour with all this snow…

Or crops, I can’t remember which was the one we wanted…

Point being, I am filing a formal complaint with the global weather control.  This is unacceptable!

Chia Pets suck…

This is my Chia Pet, it sucks.

So that is my Chia Pet, it sucks.  It doesn’t even look like it’s alive…

That’s what happens when something dies, it doesn’t look alive…

This is what it’s supposed to look like:

This is their Chia, it still sucks.

Now that’s the box that the Chia people give you your sucky Chia in, and even though it looks like it isn’t going to suck, it still sucks…

So here is my theory on this whole issue:

Parents buy their kids Chia Pets for Christmas/Birthday and expect it to take the place of the puppy/kitty/pony/hamster/anaconda that they actually want!

Even worse, it’s all a plot to prove to their children that they aren’t responsible enough to have a real pet (let’s be honest, Chia Pets are not real pets…  I’m not even convinced they’re real plants).

Ok, so maybe some kids aren’t responsible enough to have a real pet (like Sid from Toy Story), but most of us are, and the Chia Pet plays by it’s own rules.

First off, Chia Pets aren’t even close to a real pet!  I mean for crying out loud, it’s a pot that grows weird grass

And you have to water it every day! 

I can’t think of one single animal on the planet that needs to be watered everyday!  What if on the off chanceyou forget to water your Chia Pet?  It’s not like a Chia Pet can just waltz on into the bath room and drink from the porcelain chalice (Chia Pets don’t have legs like dogs or cool pets).

No, and if a Chia Pet gets too cold, it dies

Too hot, it dies

No sunlight, it dies

I can’t even share my Mt. Dew with my Chia Pet without killing it!  How am I supposed to bond with my pet if it can’t partake in things I love with out dying!

Maybe that’s why they send you enough seeds to grow your Chia Pet fourteen times.

It’s impossible to grow a Chia, it’s why parents give it to you, they don’t want to pick dog hair out of the carpet and this will make you feel like poo.

Point is: Not Cool Parents!

You know who you are.

It was some time in the late spring, maybe even early summer and I had just finished a delicious lunch of…

food…

And maybe some not food…

When my friends Jack and Jesse came over. 

They were really hungry, as always and wanted to go to McDonald’s.  Of course I had just eaten and said no, (I would have said no anyways because… well, that’s another blog) and told them they could go and I would just wait for them to get back. 

For some reason they didn’t want to go anymore(their minds change faster than most women change clothes) so they started rummaging around my basement looking for food.

 As to be expected, there was no food; except, a bag of freezer burnt chicken breasts.

I’m pretty sure the ensuing conversation went something like this:

Jack: “I’ve been watching a lot of Food Network lately, I’m pretty sure I can cook this.”

Matt: “Uhhhhh…….. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Jack: “Of Course I do, I’ve fried chicken hundreds of times before, plus I studied 14 years at that culinary art school in Paris with Audrey Hepburn in that one movie.”

How could I argue with facts like that, so I just let him do his thing and sat down in the living room with Jesse.

Now this is where you need to learn a little bit about my house.  In my living room there are two doorways that create an L shaped flow through the room.  The couch (which Jesse was sitting on) looks straight through the doorway (more like an archway)  into the dinning room, which has four windows giving you a lovely view of the driveway.  The love seat (which I was sitting on) is positioned with its back to the wall, next to the archway into the dinning room, so you can’t really see the driveway from it.

As Jesse and I were conversing his jaw dropped about six feet through the floor as the living room flashed a Hellish red.

A METEOR JUST LANDED IN MY BACKYARD!!!!!!!!!!!

WE’RE ALL DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or at least that’s what I thought…

“OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!”  “MY EYEBROWS!!!!!! DO I STILL HAVE EYEBROWS?!?!?!?  I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!”

I sighed in relief.

Jack is an idiot.

He came back inside ten minutes later, charred black and bleeding, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Thanks for helping, DICK!!!”

I just said “no problem”

I went to check out the damage after the disappointing news of Jacks survival to find deep black smoke through out most of the house.

None of the smoke alarms were going off…

My bad.  Guess they did need 9 volters in them…

I walked outside and some of the siding had melted off, a bush was on fire, and some poor little squirrel got caught in the cross fire and burnt to death.

So here’s where the moral of this story comes in.

Never throw boiling oil into the open air, it will ignite, and you will lose your home, your friends, and your life.

Just ask Jack.

He no longer has a home, friends, or a life…

I’m not just talking about the people that forget, “hey, that’s ice, maybe I should make sure I can stop…

Nope….”

*CRASH*

No, I can actually deal with those guys.

Or the people who are like, “I should probably scrape my windows and defrost my windshield…

I’m only have to drive 40 miles until I reach my destination, I’ll be ok….”

#INSERT RANDOM EXPLOSIONS#

Those guys aren’t that bad either.

It’s the people that think, just because they can’t see the lines means that they aren’t there.

This is not hide-and-go-seek where when someone can’t see you means you can’t see them!

No, in-fact, the lines are still in effect.

And they haven’t changed direction, color, or sexual orientation.

They’re the same, and I shouldn’t have to spend my time painting snow yellow just to make sure I can get a parking spot at any given time of the day.

Also, snow-plow people, please don’t put snow in, on, around, or under my vehicle, it puts me in a bad mood.

Which you have already put me in since I just discovered the 39 and 1/2 parking spots you dumped snow upon.

My parking lot it not a snow landfill city worker-man, no, and you are foolish for treating it as such.  Please stop because I am tired of having to park in my living room just to be able to turn my car off.

Between the people that park horizontally, in their F-950s, across diagonal spots, thus wasting 12 perfectly good receptacles for my 350 lbs Chevy Caviler, (I really only need half a spot guys, seriously)  and the inconsiderate plowmen, winter is a very cold season.

And that’s why it snows.

I think it might have an opposite affect on my brother though, cause he usually ends up crying or something like that.

Last year I got a watch from my great aunt, not the greatest gift ever given but, hey, it was better than the matching women’s watch that my brother got.

This year, the same great aunt gave me $25 inside a card with a rather long  message about how awesome I am (litterally a short novel).  My brother got a card that just said love you bunches.

Nothing inside.

No short novel.

Nothing.

It’s awesome being the favorite