Bees
There are at least two days out of the year that I can’t understand no matter how hard I strain my brain. On these two days, for some reason science can not explain, there are bees everywhere, but…. they’re all jacked up. It’s almost like the bees peaced out for a few weeks to have some crazy bee party where they drink for 14 day’s straight, and the ones that survive end up getting lost outside of the nest staggering around from the worst hangover ever!
I just don’t get it.
For example, there was a bee chill’n on my windshield the other day, but he wouldn’t fly away when I started driving, so I asked him, “what’s wrong, my pain inducing friend, why don’t you fly away?”
And he said, “just leave me alone kid, I’ve got tremors so bad they’d split San Fransisco, and I sure as crap can’t fly, I’d lose my license.”
So I said, “I’m sorry bee buddy, but I don’t give free rides, and I’ve already driven halfway around Marquette, so unless you are carrying a currency other then pollen, I’m going to have to ask you to get off, you’ll just have to call yourself a sober flier.” And with that I turned on my wipers.
Another jacked up bee related event happened on jacked up bee day, my roommate had to fight a jacked up bee to get to a bunch of packages that were on the porch! However, with out the threat of flight, he was able to draw his mighty shoe and vanquish the less than worthy, hungover bee. That almost makes me think of another thing that might be going on here.
What if on jacked up bee day, all the bees that come out are exiles? Like they committed some heinous bee crime and were punished to suffer the winter.
But of course, none of them make it to the winter cause I hate bees and kill them on sight. (Unless they can fly, then I run.) But that theory doesn’t really check out because the jacked up bees come out in the spring too. Maybe those bees are also criminals the Queen is willing to risk to see if it is warm enough to come out and start stinging people.
Maybe the Queen was all like, “GET OUT, I’M TIRED OF YOU CHEATING ON ME!” Cause you know all the workers are dudes and the Queen has them all as sex slaves or something. Or like one of them stung her on accident and she got pissed.
Bees are just one of those creatures that cannot have many friends. If a bee ever wanted to be my friend, I think I would freak out a little, like:
“hey man what’s up?”
“Oh, not much”
“You want to go see Sting with me, I hear he’s coming into town next month”
“Are the Police going to be there?”
“Nah I think it’s just going to be Sting”
“Oh, well… I’ll probably have laundry to do or something”
“Well that’s cool, man, I totally understand, I just seems like you always have laundry to do when cool bands come around, like last February with Poison, or just last week with The Killers”
“Well you know me, I’ve got a very strict laundry schedual, three times a day”
“It’s all good, I still love ya! You’re my bro ,man, give me a hug!”
“UM….. I think I hear a…. uh…. carbon…. monoxide leak??? Yes, a carbon monoxide leak, that’s what it is, you better go, I know how carbon monoxide messes with your exoskeleton”
It’s almost like he doesn’t realize that he has a poisonous barb attached to his bottom.
Man, the bee really has to be the most socially awkward animal. It’s gotta be hard to find love, when you could accidental skewer your friends and loved ones with a poisonous spear that most certainly will bring death.
Maybe that’s why they get tore up. My love goes out to you gentle and heart broken bee.
I’m still going to kill you though…
